Emotional

The death of a loved one isn’t just one single loss. In reality, it’s a tremendous loss, followed by a lot of smaller losses in its aftermath. Following the primary loss of the person who died, there may be a loss of income and financial security, loss of identity and sense of self, loss of social standing or friendships, loss of dreams for the future, loss of faith and purpose, loss of confidence, and loss of your previous support system. 

Merely labeling and acknowledging the range of secondary losses you’re experiencing can be a good start. It also helps to know that loss is loss – it doesn’t matter how big or small yours was compared to others’ painful journeys – and you deserve to take time and space to grieve those things. Denying the emotional loss of a loved one will often only delay the trauma of that loss or prolong the underlying pain and anger.

Oftentimes, people find regular support through a trained counselor or therapist. If you find yourself unable to concentrate, make decisions, are having difficulty sleeping or eating, experience significant depression or continued obsession, irritability and anger, anxiety, hyperalertness, apathy, behavioral overreaction, or feelings of being overwhelmed, it may be time to seek professional help. It’s important to realize that the transition from an obsessive focus on the past to a re-engaged hopeful focus on the future doesn’t happen all at once. In fact, it comes and goes, in bits and pieces, in a back and forth manner. There are also support groups where grieving people go through the loss process together and help create a community for each other.

Remember to take good care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and get back to doing things you used to enjoy when you are able, like going to the movies, walking or reading can be helpful to minimize the physical aspects of grief.

With children, remember that they are grieving, too. Rather than hiding or pretending as if things are fine, seek developmentally age-appropriate ways of explaining death and loss to your child so you can grow and heal together. Recommended children’s books include Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss and the 10th Good Thing About Barney.

Mirror what healthy recovery looks like for your children. Depending on their age, share about your feelings in your grief (ie., anger, sadness, depression, hopelessness, guilt, loneliness, jealousy, exhaustion, helplessness, frustration, shock, numbness, confusion, fear, relief). Demonstrate how to recognize, validate, and process each emotion, as you lead by example.

Though your loved one may be gone, their memory will not die and need never die. Many people find rituals and reminders that maintain an ongoing connection with the person who passed to be extremely healing in their grief. Below are several ways you can remember and honor your loved one’s memory long after they have gone on.

• Celebrate your loved one’s birthday. The first birthday after your loved one has passed can be a painful milestone, but it can also be a special time to set aside to honor the one you love. Every year, take a few moments to be thankful for the life they lived and the positive ways they impacted you. You can look back on the wisdom shared, the joyful moments, the love and support you received, and you can honor those memories by sharing that wisdom, love, and support with others.
• Host a dinner in their honor, and invite friends and family to honor their memory.
• Get involved with volunteering at a particular organization or charity to continue your loved one’s legacy.
• Set up a permanent memorial and visit regularly.
• Create a memorial video or memory box.
• Create your own tradition. 
• Visit special places that you always enjoyed going together.

After a significant loss, you are a different person. A part of you is forever changed, and the emotional needs you have may also be different. Depending on the status of your interpersonal relationships with family and friends before your loss, you may be surprised when you discover less-than-supportive ties. Relationships with in-laws (parents, sisters-in-law, etc.) can be tricky, and at times, complex and stressful. These changed relationships can also be considered a type of secondary loss. You may be surprised that some of your relationships may change or deteriorate which may also intensify your grief as time goes on. You may find that you may need to rely on new support people who you trust and don’t judge you.

• Differences in mourning can cause added stress. Because we all handle grief differently, you may have an expectation of how loved ones or close friends should react, either expecting them to be there for you or possibly share the same feelings as you about the loss. You may find your expectations unmet as others may not be able to provide the solace or compassion that you want or need.
• Grief changes the nature of relationships. You may also find that the role you may have previously played in your relationships has shifted or that you are no longer able or desirous for certain dynamics to remain as they previously were. This is normal and okay. 
• Honor your healing. Do not be discouraged by what may appear as unsupportive actions or words from others, and try not to take their reactions personally. Continue to focus on your own healing while being as clear as you can about what you are feeling and going through, expressing what your needs are without attachment to how they should respond.

Remember that ongoing grief is normal, not dysfunctional. It’s also not dysfunctional to experience unpleasant grief-related thoughts and emotions from time-to-time even years later. In the final stage of grief in the Kubler-Ross model, people reach a stage of acceptance which is not necessarily being okay with what happened but being able to acknowledge the losses you’ve experienced, learning to live with them, and adjusting your life accordingly. 

Perhaps you notice that your long-term perspective about the loss and how you live with this reality has shifted. Perhaps you notice internal shifts, having a gentle strength and optimism about learning how to manage the new situation. Perhaps you can reflect on what you’ve learned as you accept the new reality and you feel more ready to step out in the world as a renewed person. With time, the sadness eases. You’ll be able to feel happiness and joy along with the grief. You’ll be able to return to your daily life.

There are no hard rules or timelines for how long you should wait before considering or starting to date again. Only you know what’s best for you and your family in this situation despite what some of your loved ones might say.

Consider the following before you start dating:

• Your need for companionship – you may experience grief and sorrow of losing out on the love that your spouse provided to you, and you may also experience the loss of having someone to love in return. Consider your emotional needs for love and companionship in deciding when it’s right for you to start dating again.
• You may still be grieving and may unknowingly look for someone to replicate who your spouse was to you. This is unfair to both you as well as your prospective significant other. Consider waiting further if you need more time.
• “Widow/er brain” – generally described as brain fog or mental confusion for at least three to six months following your spouse’s death which may make it difficult to process or understand what’s happening around you. 
• New love and/or companionship can be healing

Just because you’re still grieving the loss of your spouse doesn’t mean that you don’t have room for or any more love to give to your partner. It also doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped loving your spouse who’s died. Having open and honest conversations with your partner will be crucial to working through grief and potential emotional outbursts. However, your partner can also help ease the burden and pain of your suffering by simply being there through your emotional ups and downs in the coming months and years. You may wonder if you’re dishonoring the memory of your spouse if you decide to move forward and start dating again. You may also wonder if you’re still married even after your spouse has died. It’s very much possible both to love your spouse who’s died and to fall in love all over again with someone else. Lastly, it’s good practice to live your life in a way that makes sense for you and your children without seeking the approval of others. You’re the best person to decide when the time is right for you to start dating again and who is right for you after your spouse has died.

Birthdays, death days, holidays, and anniversaries can be hard to handle, and most people won’t know what to expect when these days approach. It may be a day of remembering your loved one fondly, and it may be a day of remembering the pain of their loss. Most likely, holidays won’t feel the same, and you may not want to celebrate them for a while. 

Some things to keep in mind:

• The first year’s birth/death/anniversary/holidays are usually the hardest.
• Time helps, but there’s also no set time limit for grief.
• It’s okay to let it be “just another day.”
• It’s also okay to remember; in fact, it is good to remember.
• Let yourself feel about and experience birthdays, death days, holidays, or anniversaries however you feel is best.
• Honor their memory and honor yourself for carrying on.
• Don’t let anyone force or pressure you into celebrating if you’re not ready to do so

Again, remember that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to mourn and to get through these days. Sometimes, it’s healthier to cry and mourn. Sometimes, it’s healthier to laugh and celebrate. Sometimes, it’s healthier to just look ahead and plan the day with activities to distract from the larger significance of the date. 

Some ideas include going out to nature, writing in a journal, sleeping in and napping, speaking about your loved one to others, playing with your kids, reading, calling and talking with family and friends, sharing your feelings to a therapist, or sobbing in a bath. Many widows and widowers may set a place at the dinner table for their deceased spouse on the holidays for at least a year after their spouse passes. Do what feels right for you on that day with you and your family.