Practical

Your wedding ring is an important part of your past life, but it might not have a place in your future. There is no right or wrong time frame for when you decide to remove your wedding band after the death of your spouse, and your reasons for doing so (or not) are entirely yours and no one else’s to decide. Taking off your wedding ring doesn’t mean you have to discard it. You can keep your wedding ring somewhere special or use it to create a special token of remembrance for your deceased spouse. What you decide to do with your wedding ring depends on what you feel is best for allowing you to move on.

Some reasons that someone may want to continue wearing their wedding ring after losing their spouse are many, including: it keeps your spouse’s memory alive, a ring can help you feel their presence as if they were still with you, you feel safe with it in, you feel guilty taking it off, and you’re not ready to signal that you are single. 

Ideas for what you can do with the ring when you feel ready, include the following: 1) move it to your right hand; 2) wear it on a necklace; 3) have it redesigned into a new piece of jewelry; 4) gift it as an heirloom; 5) use it on a memorial display; 6) remake it into your spouse’s cremation urn; 7) bury it with your spouse; 8) plant it with a memory tree to honor your spouse; 9) set it into your spouse’s headstone; 10) put it on your pet’s collar; 11) have a ceremonial good-bye for your ring; 12) find ways to involve it on special occasions; 13) create new artwork; 14) frame it; 15) or sew it onto clothing.

You can choose to keep or delete your spouse’s social media. Some platforms also provide a third option of transitioning accounts into memorial pages instead. For example, Twitter and Instagram all allow a deceased person’s profile to remain online, marked as a memorial account. On Facebook, a memorialized profile stays up with the word “Remembering” in front of the deceased’s name. Friends will still be able to post on the memorialized profile’s timeline. In contrast, TikTok does not offer a memorial option for a deceased user’s account. Whether you choose to delete or memorialize accounts, you’ll need to contact the social media companies with copies of your spouse’s death certificate. 

To prevent identity theft and fraud, it’s recommended to deactivate the deceased’s email account. If the person set up a funeral plan or a will, she may have included log-in information so you can do this yourself. If not, you’ll need copies of the death certificate to cancel an email account. The specifics vary by email provider, but most require a death certificate and verification that you are a relative or the estate executor.

If helpful, delegate someone else to manage phone calls and emails regarding your loved one as it may be painful or exhausting to repeat the same information to large groups of people over and over again. 

With everything else going on, it is perfectly acceptable to let phone calls go to voicemail and/or to leave emails unanswered. The most important thing is for you to take care of your and your children’s needs. Everything else can wait.

If you have the login information for your spouse’s email, you may also choose to set up an automatic reply or forward emails to another email address.

Change any of your or your family members’ emergency contact information that had your spouse’s name or number listed as someone else’s primary point of contact.

Notify your spouse’s employer. Ask for information about benefits and any unpaid paychecks that may be due. Also inquire about whether there is a company-wide life insurance policy. HR can help with information on benefits due to beneficiaries as well as retirement or pension plans (eg: transferring your spouse’s 401(k) to your name). If you or your children were covered through your spouse’s medical insurance, ask about continuing coverage. 

Notify your employer, too, since the death of a spouse may be a “life event” that could allow you to adjust your selection of the company’s benefit programs.

• Get a legal pronouncement of death. You will need a medical professional to declare death which will typically be handled by staff in a hospital, nursing home, or hospice. Following the death, secure certified copies of death certificates. Get at least 10 certified original copies. You will need these original copies to close bank and brokerage accounts, file insurance claims, and register the death with government agencies among other things. The funeral home you’re working with can get copies on your behalf, or you can order them from the vital statistics office in the US state in which the person died.
• Change all property titles. Remove your spouse’s name and update ownership documents and insurance policies, such as auto and homeowner’s. Your county recorder’s office is a good place to start. You should consult a tax specialist or CPA as to whether getting an updated appraisal of your named properties would be advantageous upon transfer of these properties to you as the sole owner.
• Obtain proof of marriage. If you can’t find your original marriage certificate, you can usually get a copy from the courthouse of the county you were married in. A Certified Authorized Copy of your marriage certificate can be used as proof of marriage. Similar to the death certificate copies, you will likely need copies of your marriage certificate in establishing your inheritance rights to your spouse’s estate.

If you read the terms and conditions of most loyalty programs, they say that points are not property which means your loved one can’t bequeath them to you in their will and you don’t legally own them as a beneficiary. Each program may have its own policies on what happens to the points of a deceased member, so there’s no one answer. Sometimes, it’s as easy as contacting customer service and transferring the points to your own accounts, but other times, it may require documentation or other workarounds. 

• Keep login information stored safely which is the quickest way to find out how many points your partner left behind. Without login information, there might not be another way to recoup the points. Some programs may close the member’s account after confirming their death, but sometimes there is a specific window of time before the points will be gone for good. If you have the login information handy, you can use the points before they become invalid. Adding family members as authorized users on your credit cards or “pooling” points with designated people is another way to ensure family will still have access to the rewards after one passes.

Contact customer service and keep a copy of the death certificate handy. Every loyalty program has different rules, so you’ll have to check with each program to see if you can utilize the points. Some programs offer a compassionate approach. For example, American Express allows AmEx Membership Reward points to be reinstated in another person’s account or redeemed by an eligible party, like the estate. Even if the airline, hotel or credit card issuer has a published policy that takes away the deceased member’s points, it’s worth calling anyway. Many customer service representatives have the ability to waive transfer fees and credit the miles to your account. While you’re on the phone, don’t forget to ask about any award travel that might have been booked before your relative died. You might be able to get the miles or points for that trip reinstated as well.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help during this difficult time. You can’t do it alone. Family and friends can be a great resource to help you stay organized, especially if they’ve been through a loss themselves. When grieving, be realistic about your responsibilities. Drop anything you can that feels burdensome, and by all means, reach out to others for help. The amount of paperwork in handling personal and legal details may fall to you, and it’s a stressful, bureaucratic task that can take a year or more to complete, all while you are grieving.

When it comes to young children, structure and stability will likely go a long way in the new tsunami of changes you may find yourself navigating. If they are uncomfortable with strangers, consider reaching out to grandparents, close friends, or trusted neighbors to assist with childcare. 

If no one is available or able to help, you may elect to use third party services like www.care.com, www.nannylane.com, or www.sittercity.com. One tip when utilizing these services is to ensure you run a thorough background check, personally contact all references, and embark on a paid trial run prior to hiring the caregiver. You’ll want to observe whether the person consistently shows up on time, follows safety protocols (eg: COVID-19 guidelines), how your child responds to him/her, etc.

You may choose to send out a group text, mass email, or make individual phone calls to let people know your loved one has died. To track down all those who need to know, go through the deceased’s email and phone contacts. Inform coworkers and the members of any social groups, organizations, or other gatherings that he/she belonged to. Ask the recipients to spread the word by notifying others connected to the deceased. Put a post about the death on social media, both on your account and the deceased person’s accounts, if you have access.